Illness' again

Well I can't really say who, in case not everyone knows yet, but someone I know and love has got breast cancer... Well it looks like cancer, feels like cancer, and is growing at a crazy insane rate like cancer... the pathology report will be out Wednesday.... aaaarrrrgggg!

I am crazy worried about it, I don't know what to say or do, you would think that after all this time and friends & relatives who have had it or died from it, it would be less shocky, but its not. I think it is because of the uncertainty, you live or die, maybe next month maybe it will go into remission for 20 years or forever, you just don't know.

I feel like a little kid, stomping her feet... now now now.... go away...... it would be nice if it was that easy.

Trying to stick to my guns

I am trying to stick to my decisions here but its hard. Since I have been voted on as Treasurer there is some things I need to do that is time consuming, which means I dropped from some committees. Which means Art Trail, it is awesome to see it grow but from the sidelines I admit will be difficult.

You know those dogs you see on the side of the road... staring at all the cars going by and then boom he takes off chasing one, wagging his tail like crazy... well I think I know now how he feels. You know he's gonna get hurt, or in trouble... he probably knows too, but.....

Pondering

I have spent the weekend pondering, I need to scale back here. All these things... so choices, what is most important...

1. Family- love them, be there often, feed them... etc

2. Work- gotta do it to help provide, plus my clients would rather have solidity

3. Art- for myself, sanity, and its what I love....

-volunteering the classes a the DV shelter and the cafe

-ACofTC before all of this I became a Board Member and this is a great community program.

All others have to fall off, have to I think this is alot more than what my family and doctor would like me to keep! I had to lose nearly 10 things... one being a studio tour I put together, that one was hard to let go of, because if I don't do it nobody does, (no volunteers) and I received a grant for it, so I must return the check. And the Art Trail... but the Arts Council is taking that over! yeah!

I just can't believe I had all those things on my plate... it was more like a platter really! Wish me luck for strength!

health, and me time

Well I am in the middle of getting some testing done. I have had chest pains and so far we haven't figured them out yet. I am hoping that this new series of test will offer some sort of explanation. I don't like uncertainties and especially with my health. I have so many issues now that I am just not interested in having more. But when you play hard, and maybe not take care of yourself as you should have, then there are consequences for that.

I am hopeful and pray that things are going to be fine, or at least answered

Got it!

Well I got my speech therapy program and I am excited. I will be starting first thing! I decided to not bombard her this summer I want her to have fun, so it won't be 5 days a week as I originally planned.

I'll admit that part of that is me also not wanting to have 5 days a week of speech therapy either. I want her memories of hanging out with mom to be filled with fun stuff too! Is that selfish... probably a little :-)

rambling alert! rambling alert! Restaurant City game!

Well I have been playing farmtown for a long time... and I love it! but a friend posted it on their facebook and well now I am hooked. There is no crazy repetition so far like in farmtown so maybe it will won't hurt my fingers so much. You know all those first farm then till then plant. I haven't been back cause lets face it there is only so many things I can concentrate on at a time. Who knows now that I am talking about it maybe I will head back to it today...

So that is my mindless activity for now... we will see what happens.

Crossroads, Confusion, and Chocolate

Well lately I have been wildly aware of my lack of focus.   I have tried many times to "sit and listen" you know be calm and listen to my heart... to God, but I just can't get my mind to stop turning.  I understand that this is what I need to do, but how!  How is it possible for me to sit for even 5 minutes, cause when I do I am flooded and find as if a thousand voices are screaming and talking at once.  

Now before you make a call to a mental facility.... understand that I like my voices.  And maybe I like this lack of peace, most of the time.  Or am I  afraid of the quiet... who knows really, I don't.  I do know that I wish I had direction or focus.  I am afraid of the future because it seems so clouded and unsure.  

I would like to be able to finish a couple of projects I started that I think are good, like my book for instance.  But it got a little personal, and I began to have fear for some of those drudged little things... However, I have this desire to do it, but fear to do it and have taken a break, lack of focus for the original reasons I started doing it.  I am guessing anyhow.  

I am in this medical limbo which is probably what kicked off this sudden life moment.  Can't really do anything till we figure out what is going on.  I haven't truly committed to anything here lately, kind of sticking my feet in but not really diving in and committing to task.  This is all new for me, I have always been a fully committed kind of gal (not white coat committed...not yet)  I feel like I am living in a waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of world.

I know that I can't live like this, not with any kind of quality, so the question is  what do I do.  I am not completely sure of the  answer because I keep answering with regards to how it affects other people.  I listen to Dave Ramsey alot, something that would have the teenage version of me mortified... but he said something recently to a man on the show that got me thinking....  it was reference to a man who was wanting advice for starting a business,  simply put "don't do it unless it is something that you can't wait to do when you wake up and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep at night"  I don't really have that... at all, unless it is something I am "chewing on" at the moment.

I think the answer lies within that, I just have to somehow find it, find me, in all this craziness! 

VBS & summer church activities... thanks Crossroads church

Here is a list generated by Crossroads Church or local VBS and church activities....  this is what is left for the summer

What:  Summer Movie Madness

When: Thursday afternoons from June 25 – July 30 (1:00 PM-3:00 PM)

Where: New Hope Church

Ages: 1^st Grade – 6^th Grade

Cost: Free

Contact: Raylene, 636-8733

July:

1What: Extreme Makeover, Bible Edition

When: July 12^th – July 16^th (5:00 PM – 8:00 PM)

Where: Christ Lutheran Church (3830 W. Tulare Ave.)

Ages: Birth – 100 years old

Cost: Free (includes a meal)

Contact: 732-1851 or office@clcvisalia.org

 

2.       What: Outback Jack (Stillwaters Ranch)

When: July 13^th – July 17^th (6:00 PM – 8:30 PM)

Where: Calvary Chapel (11720 Ave. 264)

Ages: 3 years old – 6^th Grade

Cost: Free

Contact: Pastor Mike, 687-0220 or mikebuford@calvarychapel.com

 

3.       What: Naz Sports Camp

When: July 27 – July 31 (8:30 AM – 12:15 PM)

Where: Visalia Nazarene Church (3333 W. Caldwell)

Ages: 4 – 12 years old

Cost: $85.00 per child

Contact: Dee Flynn, 734-1117

 

 

 

 

 

4.       What: CKidz Miracles Preschool Camp (Crossroads Community Church)

When: July 31^st (8:00 AM – 10:30 AM)

Where: Adventure Park

Ages: 3 years to Kindergarten

Contact: Barb Shy, 280-0172 or Barb@visaliacrossroads.com

 

August:

1.       What: CKidz Crazy Camp (Crossroads Community Church)

When: August 3 – August 7 (8:00 AM – 10:30 AM)

Where: Adventure Park

Ages:  1^st  Grade– 6^th Grade

Contact: Barb Shy, 280-0172 (Barb@visaliacrossroads.com)

 

 

I'm Back!

yeah the computer is fixed and I am back... I am amazed at just how dependent I am on this thing.  The irony of this broken computer issue is that after it broke, and I took it to the Mac genius; I turned to my back up windows computer and that same day the monitor was so fuzzy that I couldn't read the screen, and there was no way I was dumping anymore money into windows again.  So I spent most of this time squinting and zooming the screen 300% 

Well this weekend we got Mac back plugged her in and now the windows computer is perfectly fine!  I guess windows missed Mac too!

Oh and by the way Mac fixed my computer for free... again... and this is with an expired warranty!